I Don't Want to Be an Idiot

I mentioned before that we had been working at renewing the adoption paperwork. I believe that all is as it should be for that to get renewed on time. But both Hubby and I have been dealing with some feelings of frustration at how this whole thing has played out. Originally the time line was 15 to 18 months. In November, however, we will reach the three year mark for our Log In Date.

I have prayed my way and had patience through the wait but I am reaching the end mark too. After talking about it, I think we've both decided not to renew our paperwork when it next expires. Because of that frustration, I had even reached the point where I just decided that if we didn't get it in in time to renew it this time, that God was telling us clearly that we should not continue.

But I literally put together everything except those medical clearances in a day and a half. The last reference letter was given to me that Wednesday evening. The medical clearances were signed on Friday and I sent an email to our social worker that it was ready. The agency is a four hour drive from us and I assumed she would do her visit sometime the next week or probably the next weekend. That would be cutting it close -- really close.

She immediately replied saying her husband who is her partner would be in our area THAT EVENING and could run by. And if that wasn't convenient, she would be in our area the next day. While I was waiting for him on Friday, I checked the mail to find a letter from immigration saying that our paperwork had been received and was being taken care of. By the end of Friday, everything was out of our hands. In a matter of four days, our part was done until we receive fingerprint appointments. I guess God was clearly telling us that He wanted us to continue.

Still the frustration lingered. And the despair that we won't ever get this sweet child who is already in our hearts. So I now find myself saying that if its true that God wants this to happen, it will happen before our paperwork expires this time. But I don't know that I really believe it will.

In my Wednesday evening class, we spoke about "putting your fleece before God" -- a phrase that refers to the story of Gideon who wanted God to confirm that he really understood how God wanted to use him. One lady, during the discussion, told of a call from her mom. In stepping out on a business venture, she kept asking for confirmation that she was doing the right thing. Even though God blessed each move (often in a better way than she hoped), she continued to ask for confirmation every time a 'speed bump' got in the way. Finally her best friend told her laughingly that she was an idiot and asked how many times God would have to tell her to go ahead with it before she would listen. The young lady suggested that true faith and trust in God means you don't need Him patting you on the head for every little glitch.

I hadn't spoken in class yet but I knew then that I probably wouldn't. Because suddenly I felt very very very small.

Our original paperwork literally fell into place in record time. Seriously, record time. Our second renewal paperwork not only fell into place but Immigration was easy and reassuring to me. This time, our paperwork was ready in a week. A week! The money appeared when we needed it each time. And there are other things too.

Apparently there's more than one idiot about. What does it take?

Well, God knows me too well. Because He was prepared to make sure I got it. My lesson in the Ladybug trails book that I mentioned (which, by the way, is a study that is completely unrelated to the class I'm in on Wednesday evening) started out yesterday morning with letting me know and understand that God has a plan. Yes, I knew that.

But it really hit on the fact that He knows what He's doing even when I don't. It even made the point, quite clearly, that it's often better NOT to know the plan. I was reminded of several times when I wished I hadn't known what was coming or how it would play out. If we simply trust that He has our best interests at heart, we really don't have to know. We can leave it in His hands.

And by the time it was finished, feeling small would have been a promotion for me. Maybe I got it this time.

But do we ever learn? I mean really. Are human beings all such impatient toddlers that they need instant gratification? How sad that we constantly mistrust and grasp for control.

Near the end of the study she asked what one thing did we better understand about God that day. My answer: His wisdom in not always letting us in on the plan.

Maybe I should have written: I am a really big IDIOT! Please, help me not to be.