Palmetto Shivers

These are palmetto trees (not mine, but someone's). I think they must only grow in swampy states because I had never heard of the things until we moved here.

We have 3 of them -- 1 in our front yard and 2 in our back. I don't like them. In fact, I cannot explain adequately here just how much I deplore them. There are no words. I think they are ugly (what's with the pineapple look?) and they are a pain to deal with.

Let me just say too -- they started it.

When we moved into the house, I had no feelings about them at all. They brought me to hate them. For one thing, they are indecisive. Palmettos are trees. I have a hard time with a plant who can't decide if it should grow bark, hair or leaves. They gave up and grow all three. But can we just try to excel at even one, please?

Secondly, they have a 'fruit.' We try to cut it down as soon as it shows its face. They come out in what looks like a big green baseball bat. If you ever hear me say that I have to cut down the baseball bats, now you know what I mean. If we don't cut them down at that stage, out comes this thick branch with green berries on it, like this one kind of:

If we don't get them cut down at that stage, they become soft orange berries that fall off the branch and make a huge nasty, stinky mess. Yes, the birds love it but it is no fun to clean up, trust me.

In addition to that, you have to go out about a million times every week to cut off the leafy branches -- I guess, the 'palms'. Or there will be a lovely brown circle under your palmetto because the grass can't get any sun or rain. If you want it to look right, you have to cut the palms off right at the trunk. Cutting it off at the trunk means one thing - lacerations. All over your hands and arms. The trunk has all the old cut off branches dried to a sharp edge to discourage any future branch cutters. The palms also have little new leaves coming out that prick because they are so small and thin. I have actually gotten one of these stuck in my hand like a thorn before.

Right after we moved, I thought one of the small ones in the back yard had some sort of plant disease and was dying. I rejoiced and hoped very hard that it would spread to the other one planted about a yard or two away. It recovered though. Apparently, someone lopping of branches with a wrathful venom is good for it. Who knew? I'm sure it would cost something truly ridiculous to have them removed so I accepted that I was stuck with them at least until we move somewhere else.

But today I found a new reason to dislike them. We were lopping with venom again (cutting off palms) and we saw this about halfway up the trunk. Look closely. Do you see it?

Yeah. That's a snake skin. I told you they were prickly. Apparently, the little booger slithered around that scratchy tree until he got off his old skin. Gives me the willies just thinking about it.

Don't get me wrong. I understand that snakes are good members of the environment to have. But I just can't handle them. Or the thought of them. At day camp, a lady approached our table with her slithery pet. Even as my reasonable, un-fearing mind told me it was okay, my body had already propelled me out of my seat and was backpedaling. If others had been like this lady, who sensed my fear and immediately stopped to wait for permission to approach instead of forcing it, I might not have that reaction today. But I do. And it took me about 15 minutes or more to stop shaking that day.

Which is why I turned around twice to stop my butchering job on the palmetto after seeing the skin. I did finish the job but I'm sure it was a sight to see. I became certain that the reptile was laying wait on one of the branches above me. As soon as I pulled it down to cut off, I just knew it was going to land on my head. Oooooh! So I would bang the branch no less than twice, covering my head, and then very cautiously pull the thing down to cut -- waiting all the while for the serpent to make a leap at me.

Now I know I have to kill these trees. I just can't figure out how to do it.